I was just sitting there with my son when he walked in and said,
“Hey Mom, have you ever heard of The Smashing Pumpkins?”

He asked me if I liked The Smashing Pumpkins, and I said yeah, I know some of their songs.
He smiled and said, “This one’s really good, listen.”

And just like that… he played Tonight, Tonight.

I wasn’t expecting anything.
It was just a normal moment… a normal day… sitting with my kid.

But then the lyrics started.

“And our lives are forever changed…
We will never be the same…
The more you change, the less you feel…”

And I don’t even know how to explain it…
but something in me just shifted.

It caught me completely off guard.

One second I was just sitting there listening with him…
and the next, I felt it.

That pull back in time.

Not to a specific moment… but to a feeling.

Back when the boys were little.
Back when we were a family of five.
Back when life felt full and connected and simple in a way that only exists when you’re in it… not when you’re looking back at it.

I could see it so clearly.

The way we used to laugh.
The way we loved our boys.
The way he was as a dad back then… how present he felt… how much he loved them.

And for a second… I missed that.

And I want to say this the right way, because it matters…

I don’t miss him.
I don’t want him back.

But I miss… that version of him.

The one I knew then.
The one who showed up differently.
The one who felt like he was all in with us.

Because sometimes… it’s hard for me to see that now.

Now I see someone who puts other things first.
And that’s a different kind of reality to sit with.

But in that moment… sitting next to my son…
none of that existed.

It was just us.
A song.
And a memory I didn’t go looking for.

And maybe that’s what got me the most.

I didn’t expect it.
I didn’t prepare for it.
It just… found me.

I held it together sitting there with him.
I didn’t want to turn it into something heavy or confusing.
So I just listened.
I sang along.
And stayed in that moment with him.

But inside… I felt it.

All of it.

The love.
The loss.
The change.

And maybe that’s the truth of it…

Our lives are forever changed.
We will never be the same.

But that doesn’t erase what was real.

It doesn’t erase the love we had.
Or the family we were.
Or the moments that shaped us.

Those things still exist.

Just in a different place now.

And maybe that’s what healing really looks like sometimes…

Not forgetting.
Not pretending it didn’t matter.

But being able to sit in a moment like that…
feel it fully…
and still come back to yourself.

Today, it was just a song.

But somehow… it was also a reminder.

Of where I’ve been.
Of what I’ve loved.
And of how far I’ve come… even when it still hits me when I least expect it.

— Jenny